I know I haven't written for a while but I just needed to get something off my chest. For the past couple of months I've been having this heavy feeling in my heart and its widespread to my shoulders and head as well. I feel like a walking ghost and an empty shell. I also feel so exhausted and mentally drained and I feel that I haven't been enjoying the things I usually do. So I began to look up my symptoms online (cuz I have hypochondriac tendencies lol) and at first I thought I had anemia but then I suddenly had a realization...I think I'm depressed. I guess there has been so many things going on in my life and I have constantly faced many small and insignificant, yet impactful failures since the beginning of my school year. I am in the International Baccalaureate Programme and man this shit has been intense lol. I have been trying so hard to maintain my grades and completing assignments. However, there were many assignments that I received back that I have been disappointed with and felt that I could have done better. I know this sounds sooooo dumb and there are more important problems like poverty and world peace, but I just can't help but burden myself with all of these constant disappointments. I somehow find my own self worth in my grades and accomplishments and it's just fucking ridiculous. I don't know how to change myself and I feel the need to compare myself to others. It just sucks being who I am and I don't know how to change this about me. I want to be more confident in myself but I just end up being insecure and afraid to take a step forward.
I constantly feel like my life has no meaning and constantly thinking of how uncertain my future is. I'm in grade 12 and in truth, I'm afraid to go to University. I'm so afraid of this change and I'm more afraid of my own future. I chose to go in Visual Arts and Communication and this may have been such a big mistake. I feel that I won't find a job or be stuck in some shitty one. I know I'm still in high school but I'm just always having these preconceived notions and I'm afraid. Moreover, I burden myself with doubts and negativity because sometimes that's all I can think of. I always try to be positive but I just feel like nothing is working and this heavy and dark feeling is just spreading across my body. I'm not even suicidal (like fuck no I ain't killing myself I have so much shit to do and accomplish before I die lol) but I just feel this weakness inside of me and I can't get it out. Furthermore, I have IB exams in May and holy shit I scared as fuck and I always do shit in final examinations because of all of the shit I had to learn in 2 years in the programme and cramming that in a month of exams. My future is so uncertain and I feel afraid and useless. Plus, I also failed my driver's test twice! It's like an accumulation of failures and is appointments after another and it's just destroying every bit of my sanity. I also feel that my own high school friends are drifting apart from me and I always feel so lonely and isolated in the sea of people I drown in. All I can do now is try to live each day hoping some kind of event will change my life and my fantasies coming to reality. I'm always in such a constant search for happiness and hopefully I can find something to change this feeling. Moreover, I hope I can find the courage to take a step forward, a leap of faith to change my own life for the better and fill it with positivity. I don't know who will read this but damn I just needed to type shit out lol.